for so long,looking into the mirror
i only see a reflection of a image
a stranger looking back at me
when looking into my eyes
i see only a emptiness,a void
beneath those eyes are many fears
fears of pain,fears of sorrow and fears of no hope
how could i not know this face before me
as i stand looking at the image in the mirror
where is the person that i used to be
why can’t i see
turning again looking into the mirror
i see my life
one that has gone out like a candle being extinguished
all my pride, my joy my hopes, my desires my passion
all is gone, what reflects back from that mirror
is a stranger looking back at me
standing there feeling so alone,lost and confused
the fear sets in, where is this person i call me
walking away from that mirror, never wanting to look again
my life continues on
once again i find myself looking back in that mirror
yet this time when i look , what reflects back to me
its a face, my face my eyes filled with hope
a burning love, a pride of being me
no longer a darkness do i see
for out of my eyes a light is shining
a reflection of me
for you see, i am two of me.

Battling the Inner Demon

Do you think I’m crazy? Or think I’ve gone mad

One minute I act so happy the next I am down and sad

You ask me many questions, the answer I cannot find

I know you’re trying to help me, but I cannot control my mind

Would you call me crazy or think I was insane

If I told you about the man I saw standing in the rain

What about the others, the ones who look unkind

You do not see these figures, they are only in my mind

I see the figures moving fear washes over me, I freeze

How could I ever tell you, it’s not something you could believe

Would people still speak to me if I told them some of the things I really feel

Like someone behind me, they are chasing me but it’s not real

That fear, that panic the adrenalin that makes you want to run and hide

Would you still want to be that friend, standing by my side

The thought that someone wants to kill me, while sitting on my own

You have no idea how scared I am when I’m all alone

The voices wake me in the night, although I can’t hear what is said

I lie there shaking all alone to scared to leave the bed

There is no way of knowing when my mood will decide to swing

Perhaps I might want to dance today, twirl around and sing

I might walk out in front of that car, as I could not hurt me at all

I am too high up in the clouds to notice I could fall

I will spend some money widely does not matter how much I waste

For once I get that rushed feeling I just saviour that sweet taste

Perhaps I will be angry and become agitated and not sit still

Then along comes a helper and I knock him on the head

Do you ever wonder why I forget things I’ve said

Some days I’m too frightened to get out of my bed

With no clue to what will be my mood, not something I can choose

Out of choice I hope it is a high as then I never loose

On a high I become someone else, someone much better than me

I am invincible to the world, I can do anything then you see,

I could be a writer, a model perhaps I will be nurse

But this is not really me, it’s a high mood which is a curse

Then I turn into a monster , screaming I hate you, I want you away

Sometimes people are scared to talk to me in case I start to shout

I cannot bear to see people, stay away, I want to be alone

Only I can hear the knock on the door or the ringing on the phone

I have no control over my feelings, I will often sit and cry

This is when that voice creeps in, to tell me just to die

This is a daily battle not something that will go away

Are you sure you could handle this, would you stop and speak to me

I know people are trying to accept which ever person I have to be

It is so difficult to remember which is bipolar and which is me

I do not mean to be nasty, I just get that feeling of dread

That everyone hates me and just wants me dead

Could you still be that friend standing by my side

Helping me wipe those tears that I have cried?

hello world howz it going?? sorry i aint been on here for a while but now im back 🙂 hope everyone is alright, starting to get my life put toghter again thank god haha.

well speak later take care everyone 🙂 xx

My head is so messed up! what do i do carntt think straight anymore 😦 was so close to a suicide atempt last night picked up a knife and every bo of tablets i could get my hands on, wrote a suicide letter for my mam telling her its all her fault for everything and its her fault i want to die so much!! anything has got to be better than living this life any more:( wish stupid bipolar did not exisit its wreked my life!!!!!! been depressed for about a mounth now and i carnt cope at all wouldnt be so bad if i had ups inbetween! need to sort my head out and fast koz i wont be here much longer i im like this!!!!!

Being called down on the loud speaker for me was really hard because it was instant alienation. When you call me  down on the loud speaker, other people go ‘oooooohhhhhh’. That’s when I first realized that there was a label, a stigmatism, that I was going to live with for the rest of my life.

When I was doing something wrong or was too hyperactive, people would say to me ‘Did you take your medicine?’ which to this day, if somebody said that to me, I would probably snap on them. It just made me feel like I was the one doing something wrong, like it was ‘I’m not good enough for you right now, what I’m doing isn’t good enough for you right now, who I am isn’t good enough for you right now, and you’re telling me that I need to go change who I am.’

All I ever thought I wanted and strived for, was to be ‘quote on quote’ normal. I just wanted to feel normal but what people didn’t realize is that in addition to all everybody else saw, I had my own internal problems that I couldn’t escape i was a prisiner in my own body. Living with myself, living with my own thoughts, with the racing thoughts, with the craziness, with the, you know, the symptoms of being a bipolar, that I couldn’t talk about, that I couldn’t put in words – like the way that I felt about my sister, here’s this perfect person who I love so much yet I hate her you know. I think about killing her in her sleep because she is so fucking perfect, it destroys me. For my parents to, to think that she’s perfect and here I am just the fuck up, the devil child the one who you know, whooo they wish they could have left on the side of the road and returned for a new one because I was different, I wasn’t good enough. I was unable to escape or grasp the concept of the internal feelings that my body was creating., I then lost control of myself, one hundred percent. I experienced my downward spiral, spiral to a low, I’d go have sex with this person and that person because I felt like the sex was giving me control. It was making me feel powerful in a world where I had no control. I would have hysterical fits and just cry and cry and cry and rage.physical fights,  I would, I would lose control, in fact so bad that I have a couple memories of blacking-out, a physical rage that was so aggressive and just so enraged with emotion and loss of control. I knew then that I needed help. I was in an un-healthy place, in an unhealthy state of mind, and I became really suicidal. I became lost in a tornado, I call it a tornado of, of just the downward spiral of unhappiness that I was going through. It was really, really scary and one day I was, I was done. I found out some shit and I lost control and I was gonna run in frount of a car… and I was saying goodbye to my best friend who was there she started hysterically crying saying, ‘Ive been there for you for ten year, please, please don’t leave me…I’ll take you home and il ring the docter and make everything better, we will fix everything, don’t take ten year of friendship  away from me. You know I can’t live without you’.

So, you know, that’s obviously what saved my life  because when you get to the point where you don’t think you can fight through it anymore, it’s really scary and the only thing you want is people who care to tell you that they are  going to make everything better. That day that changed my life.. it really, really was the day that changed my life. If it wouldn’t have happened just like that, I would have never been able to be where I am today.

When I was first diagnosed bipolar, it was when i got sectioned or ttempted suicide that’s when I was legitimately diagnosed as a bipolar …  I was started on the drugs, gotta love the drugs, that’s when I gained forty pounds in two months, you thought I was depressed before… well, FUCK you just made me fat and depressed. When you are in this depressed state, it becomes a very, very scary thing. You have heavy drugs on you at all times, you can easily say ‘fuck it, I quit. I just want to be normal. I’m never going to be normal, nothing is going to make me normal, let me pop a bunch of these pills and just be done with it.’

And I’m fed up at this point because I think nothing is gonna help me. Until the day i started seeing my phcatrist… that was the day that changed my life.. for the better.. my friend was the one who saved it and my phcatrist the one who changed it because if I wouldn’t have embraced that therapy, which I now go to every week, I would not be here where I am today, I would not . Something that was gonna change my life, was gonna help me to be successful and to be functioning and to not be where i was a few mounth ago.. as a functioning bipolar i have had lots of advice on how to ty and controle my moods and tourghts but it is harded tthan you think!! to be a successful person with bipolar just think positive have a positive attitude and keep your friends and family on side if you can it really helps i aint had this but nevermind!!!. but this is what i think of my family!!! … FUCK YOU I FUCKING HATE YOU I HOPE FUCKING DIE I YOU’RE A STUPID BITCH YOU’RE A HORRIBLE MOTHER YOU’RE A HORRIBLE FATHER YOU HAVE RUINED MY LIFE YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!! … i know i could have said, what you said really hurt my feelings, it made me feel inferior and angry and sad.. and alone.. and hurt me and I just I really don’t like, I really don’t like when you say that to me …. Let me tell you something… for a bipolar, that’s probably more effective than you could possibly get, because my whole life was a reaction. I became a reactive time bomb, I would trip out on you… explode.

And it really is one of the biggest struggles I think with bipolar. There is no Band-Aid that is ever going to cover up me being bipolar, there is no medication in the world that is every going to make me not bipolar, I am and I will live as a bipolar the rest of my life, until the day I have finally worked through my life enough and learned to be the best bipolar I can ever be. That’s the day I’ll probably see clear and become  a successful bipolar. I am not a successful bipolar just yet but im trying my hardest to work on that and change my life, it’s the one job that I’ve accomplished and it takes work every day. I have to work to respond everyday instead of react.. but it’s worth it .. because it keeps me in a healthy relationship, it keeps me in a healthy state of mind, it gives me control., but ultimately was put negativity in me, on me, from the very beginning. That’s the one mistake we make with mental illness…it’s not negative to be high and low.. because everybody has highs and lows.. ours are just a little more often and a little bit closer together…nobody thought how powerful I could be because I I motivate people and change people’s lives. I get to change people with my story and my life experiences.. that’s what makes me bipolar that’s how we should say people are bipolar.. in a positive way.. in a positive connotation.. making them special and important and amazing because that’s what we are.. because I don’t know how many of you have met a bipolar but you will never forget them.. nobody will ever forget me.
 

Had the worse ever month, everything has just gone wrong and getting right on top of me been an emoctinol rollacoster just wish it was all over been disowend by my family and me dad ell my dad got the back end of my mood i just dont care no more!!!! all i ever wanted as a simple life with none of this shit and deffo not bipolar it has just wreked my life just feel like iving ryt up i carnt do it any more>>these thorghts im haveing are just beyond a joke do not know how im still here 😦 never felt this bad for a while just sat and cried and cried just dont no what to do any more!!! peope that are ment to care dont just feel so alone and icolated like the whole world is out to get me 😦 carnt cope with anything any more!!!!!!

Had a really bad two weeks but things are finally changing got a new job new house my mam is on the mend and I have precious memirious of my boy nothing can ever take them away. First time I’ve smiled in two weeks. Really proud of myself for what I have done today wrote a poem and read it out at the funeral never ever thought I would be able to do that but I did and I’m glad I done it got so much support at the miniut I coudlnt ask for anything eles really so thank you to the people who have been there for me means a lot really appriacite it yous have helped me so so much and I thank you all 🙂 xxx